London on Alert as Lion is Posted

 

Lion and (inset) Jiffy Bag

 

London was today put under a high level of alert, as a lion from London Zoo was mistakenly posted to an unspecified address.

The lion, a six-year old male called King Charles II, was posted on May 19 and could arrive “literally anywhere” a zoo spokesman confirmed today.

“We know that on or around four pm on Thursday 19 May, a male lion named King Charles II, was mistakenly packed and posted to a London address in place of a promotional set of DVDs featuring puffins. We think that the address is somewhere in the SW9 area, but cannot be sure”.

Lions have always been an important part of London’s history. For many centuries they formed part of the Royal Menagerie at the Tower, along with bears, tigers and shellfish. Behind bars lions are completely safe, but in the enclosed confines of a suburban hallway they could cause carnage.

Self-professed lion-expert and author of ‘Lions, Lions, Lions’, Bob Tiger, advises caution.

“King Charles II will have been in the post for two, maybe three days by the time he is delivered. Obviously he will have become bad-tempered by this stage, and a bad-tempered lion is not something you want to unwrap by mistake. I would advise extreme caution to anyone who receives a fairly large jiffy-bag in the post in the next day or so. Employ what I like to  call the ‘Bob Tiger Three-Rule Rule’. Rule One: Have a good look; is this a fairly large jiffy bag? If yes, think about Rule 2: ‘is it growling?” If the answers to both 1 and 2 are yes, chances are you’ve got a lion. I can’t remember what Rule 3 was. Something about running. Probably wasn’t important”.

Anyone who thinks they might have a lion in the post should call Radio Five Live at once, as it’s the kind of thing commuters like to laugh at.

 

Chris Huhne Replaced by Owl

Liberal Democrat Cabinet Minister, Chris Huhne, was today dramatically replaced by an owl.

Embattled Energy Secretary Mr Huhne had no comment to make as he left Downing Street this afternoon after his sacking, following allegations he had mislead police over a driving offence. His replacement, the owl, will take up its new position on Monday.

It was a surprise promotion for the owl, who had not been expecting to be raised to Cabinet rank or work with humans. A spokesman for the Prime Minister defended the decision, saying that the owl had excellent, though unspecified, skills.

“Its a fantastic appointment,” confirmed a Downing Street source. “The owl can not only see things with its eyes, but it can also hear with its ears.  And it can move, which is a fundamental quality in any Cabinet Minister. Also, if you drag out the ‘uuuhn’ bit of  ‘Huhne’, is sounds a bit like the kind of noise an owl would make, so really its perfect”.

But Labour immediately ridiculed the move. Said Shadow Menagerie Spokesman, Brian Ghosts: “This is yet another example of a Prime Minister not in touch with the needs of the country. He’s appointed an owl to a senior Government position when everyone knows we needed a greyhound. I for one don’t think it’s a hoot” .

The owl was unavailable for comment.

 

QUICK NEWS!!! Trees are Safe, say Coalition

By our Chief Political Correspondent, Royston McCoy…

In the most extraordinary u-turn performed by a Government Minister since Geoffrey Howe’s roller-blading mishap during a visit to Horsham in 1972, the planned privitisation of trees will now NOT go ahead.

Said a spokesbush for Caroline Spelman, Minister in Charge of Trees, Leaves, Greenery, Borders & Really Thoughtfully-Designed Roundabouts, the proposal to privitise everybody’s gardens would be scrapped with immediate effect.

“Mrs Rhododendron has realised that this was, in fact, a stupid idea, and personally threw it on the bonfire herself. Personally. Herself. We as a Government have listened to the British People and have taken note of their green-fingered rage. We assumed nobody gave a shit about who sat in the ticket booth outside the Forest of Dean, but clearly we were bloody wrong. David Cameron will be thrashing himself with an oak tree in the middle of Parliament Square at five o’ clock this evening, if anyone wants tickets”.

Labour Beauty Spot Spokesman, Frances Lovely, welcomed the move. “It is of course humiliating that the Government have been forced to make such a massive u-turn, and obviously that’s the real tragedy here which no-one should forget, ever, but we welcome the decision to save The Peoples’ Forests. Like Robin Hood, the People have sprung out of the greenwood like eight-billion spandex-clad nymphs and pulled out all of the Sherrif of Nottingham’s hair, by which we mean Caroline Spelman, and by thunder they’ve pissed in her handbag and hoisted her knickers up the flagpole, oh, and another thing…”

Mr Lovely went on for a further ten minutes, but nobody knew what he meant.

 

BAFTA awards not awarded to everyone

Some people left the BAFTA Awards last night without winning any BAFTA awards, reports CT Entertainment Correspondent, Amy Shoes.

The evening began with some people winning BAFTA awards and continued with some people winning BAFTA awards, but as the night wore on, it slowly became clear that some people were not going to win BAFTA awards. As each category came and went, with some people winning BAFTA awards and other people not winning BAFTA awards, rumours began to circulate that whilst some people were going to win BAFTA awards, some people were not.

Set Designer Pete Knees won a BAFTA Award for his set designing, but in a shock result Set Designer Dick Dad did not win a BAFTA Award for his set designing. Similarly, Choreographer Lisa Peace did not win a BAFTA Award for her Choreographing, even though Choreographer Lesley Jesus won a BAFTA Award for her Choreography.

Later on an Actor tipped to win a BAFTA Award won a BAFTA Award. Ṧtévén Mičé won his BAFTA Award for acting the part of someone in the film, ‘A Man’s Place’, but another actor did not win a BAFTA Award for acting as someone in the film, ‘Hilary’s Year’, and nor did a separate actor who also acted as a person in the film, ‘Following Michael’. In a similar result, an actor did not win a BAFTA Award for her role as a person in the film, ‘Midnight Feet’, but another actor went on to win a BAFTA award for his role playing a different person to himself in the film, ‘Becoming Mrs Parsons’.

Colin Firth did not win a prize.

Those BAFTA results almost in full:

Best Film…………………………. A Man’s Place

Best Actor in a Film…………… Ṧtévén Mičé (A Man’s Place)

 Best Other Actor in a Film…… Diane Soup-Marsupial (Adam’s Holiday)

 Best Supporting Actor in a Film…. Jason Landlord (Janet’s Holiday)

Best Short Film…………………………Beating up Grandad

Best Animated Film…………………..Sh1T – Donkeys!

 

News: Descartes behind Monkey Kidnap

By The CT’s Resident Psychoanalyst, Dr. Sherwood Knocker

Pebbles the chimpanzee was last night relaxing with friends after being returned safe and well to Potherington Civic Zoo. The 3 year old self-confessed “pleasure seeker” had been missing for a fortnight when Police received an anonymous tip-off that kids’ entertainer and pop-philosopher Descartes (pictured) had taken Pebbles from his “Monkey Palace” home when it was dark. Descartes was tracked to a hideout in Leamington Spa, where he handed the ape over without resistance. “I’m glad he’s back safe”, said Detective Inspector Peter Jam, “there’s always the risk with chimps that they will be mutilated and sold to Heinz as cheap labour”.

Cold Comfort

Descartes, who has encountered difficulty with his latest “Dualism and Bouncy Castle” tour, spent last night behind bars: the Orange Sunset Bar, Brighton, the Café Go-Go Restaurant and Private Members’ Club, Cirencester, and the Rudolph Hess Lounge, Worthing. All three establishments told him to get out and, in some cases, stay out. Meanwhile, Pebbles has been told by doctors he should not read the Daily Mail until December.

Descartes in the Early Days & (inset) Pebbles.

How Descartes Beat the System:

1. 21:35: Descartes enters the Zoo claiming he is a passing Frog Trader. A silly Zoo Guard lets him in.
2. 21:42: Descartes creeps behind the Zoo Offices using a sapling as camouflage. He needn’t have bothered: the staff are made of paper.
3. 21:45: Descartes enters the deserted Nocturnal Gallery. Fearing the “Spooky Noises” section he soon retreats.
4. 21:59: Attracted by the “South American Gateway”, Descartes makes his way Southwards. But the exhibit is closed.
5. 22:05: Pebbles is kidnapped from the Sea Lions Enclosure, where he is playing dominos. Descartes escapes with the chimp on a nearby heron.

 

News: Animal confusion at City Farm

By nature lover and nudist, Anne Phlange

Trevor Cleftbrook was at the centre of a confusing moment at “Touch our Animals City Farm” in Wandsworth last week.

The commotion began as Trevor approached the donkey enclosure. “I was taking a look round the farm during my lunch hour and spotted the donkeys, which looked quite bored. I wanted to point them out to my colleague who was also there with me, but mistakenly refereed to them as sheep – suddenly chaos ensued!”

easily confused.

Graham Ardman, owner of “Touch our Animals City Farm” said he was appalled. “If a grown man can’t even remember the name of a common farm yard animal, no wonder the country is going down the pan and more and more prone to an meteor attack every day” he said, gazing into the sky.

“Touch our Animals City Farm” closed for the afternoon but has now reopened for more friendly animal petting. Nothing lewd mind.

 

News: ‘Pay-As-You-Go Sting’ Withdrawn From Shelves

By Our Science Correspondent, Gil Remington

The mobile pop star giant, PocketPop UK Ltd, today withdrew each of its Pay As You Go Stings from supermarket shelves across the country.

Said company spokesman, Graham Cornwallis: “It has been brought to our notice that the popular Sting model has certain defects, which if uncorrected, could pose considerable health and safety problems for the consumer. We have therefore decided to remove this product from stores in order to correct this unfortunate flaw. We hope to have them back in the shops by Christmas. If anyone has got one of our Stings at home, we urge them to throw it in the neighbour’s birdbath quickly, but safely’.

A suitable disposal area for your Pay-as-you-go Sting

The Pay As You Go Sting has been one of PocketPop’s most popular sellers. Having first topped up their credit from special Sting-shaped Currency Booths (President Chirac is said to have one in his private toilet), customers can then choose from six Sting classics, ranging from ‘Fields of Gold’ to ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Englishman in New York’ to enjoy. The song is then played through microscopic speakers, whilst the head tilts back and forth to mimic a live stage performance.

However, the glitch, which has come to the attention of consumers in Bolton, concerns a rendition of ‘Every Breath You Take’ which in actual fact sounds more like the popular Victorian music hall song, ‘Grandad’s Run Off In My Trousers’, originally performed by ‘Cheeky’ Johnny Frobisher in 1871. The legal rights to this composition have long since been eaten by a cat, but that has not stopped certain descendents of Mr. Frobisher from claiming that the company is guilty of a breach of copyright.

Perhaps more worryingly for PocketPop however, is the theory put forward by Professor Max Wiltshire, from the University of East Feltham, that the Pay As You Go Sting is actually dangerously unstable, due to the tiny nuclear reactor each is powered by.

“It’s no joke to say that two elephants walked off a cliff, boom boom. No sorry, that is a joke, but it would certainly be no laughing matter if one of these Stings went off in your face. I couldn’t say exactly what might happen, but I would cautiously estimate that most of the South East would be destroyed, and possibly Taunton. Of course, it’s quite possible that nothing would happen, but if it did, and you’d ignored the warning signs, how would you ever explain it to your dog? Or child? No, I would advise people to be safe rather than sorry; it’s just not worth the risk. Oh, by the way, has anyone seen those Pay As You Go Stings that sing his classic hits for a small charge? I’m getting one of them for Christmas. They look fun’.

 

News: Labour Leadership Contender Contends Labour Leadership

This shock announcement by Spin McDonald, Political Correspondent

Labour’s silence over its internal leadership feuding was dramatically shattered this week, when a leading plotter broke cover on Friday. But to the clear dismay of three- and-a-half year old Billy Tinkle, from Welwyn, it was not Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, but the man who cleans out No. 10’s crocodile enclosure, the Right Reverend Patrick Pew-Yewling.

Saucy

Rev. Pew-Yewling announced his leadership bid in the Purple Hippo, Whitehall, on Friday night. According to nose-witnesses, the elderly cleric finished off his eighth pint of the landlord’s finest before slamming Labour’s record in power, condemning Tony Blair for betraying Labour’s roots, creating a two-tier NHS, and allowing visitors to Downing Street to relieve themselves in the terrapin pool. He then joined in an energetic line dance.

The speed at which Rev. Pew-Yewling, 77, has established his leadership credentials has impressed many political analysts, and athletics commentators.

“I’d be happy to see this man establish his leadership credentials for the UK at the next Olympics”, said BBC sports journalist, Doug Dagenham. “He was off the blocks and going for gold even before Gordon Brown had put his trousers on. Incredible”. “And a dab hand with a banana”, added wildlife expert, Anna Hairy. “I’ve seen him coax a baboon out of a Sycamore with just one bunch. Tony Blair should be worried”.

Harmless fun?

Fiat Uno

Rev. Pew-Yewling has been in his furry post since 1985, when Margaret Thatcher installed the monkey house in the garden of No. 10 after receiving it as a gift from President Cliff Kawanga, of the People’s Republic of Stratford-upon-Avon. The crocodiles were a controversial addition, included in the Prime Ministerial menagerie during John Major’s administration. Whitehall rumour has it that political opponents and off-message aides were fed to the prehistoric beasts during Major’s own leadership troubles, but despite frequent reports of high-pitched screaming and the discovery of assorted limbs scattered about Horse Guards Parade, no evidence was ever found.

Seven? Careful, Alan

However, despite his self-proclaimed suitability for the top job, Whitehall officials have dismissed Rev. Pew-Yewling’s challenge as ‘largely balls’.

“He knows his pandas from his porcupines, but politically he’s a fish out of water”, said Kong Hooper, the Prime Minister’s unofficial jeans spokesman. “I’d be very surprised if this article is taken seriously”.

But Rev. Pew-Yewling’s campaign manager, Cardinal Glenda Bounder, believes that the holy man’s chances are good. “He’s got a very hands-on approach to things; he’s always got his hands on something. Whether it’s a baby penguin, or a passing choirboy, his hands will be on it. On it like a whippet. Amazing. Yes, sometimes he’s been arrested, but haven’t we all? I know I have. Christ, loads of times”.

Pepys: played for Fulham

Gordon Brown will be watching Rev. Pew-Yewling’s bid for power with keen interest, but one man who won’t, is dead diarist, social observer and semi-professional footballer, Samuel Pepys. Speaking on GMTV this morning, seventeenth- century historian, Gollings Boland said that he was convinced the famous commentator would have wanted to know what was going on. “I’m sure he’d have been really quite interested; he always enjoyed his current affairs. It’s a pity in many ways”.

(Should monkeys be given booze and fast cars? You decide, page 11)

 

News: Tories Nearly Elect Howard

• Election process produces surprise result
• ‘Not cock up’ insist party loyalists
• ‘Laughter’

By Our Chief Political Editor, Royston McCoy

The Conservative Party, in what is already being described as ‘one of the most peculiar elections in the history of democracy’, has voted unanimously to appoint a battery-powered pigeon to the position of Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, The CT has learned from reading other newspapers.

Pigeon: “policies”

Jiff Lemon

In a statement apparently released immediately following the result, visibly confused Tory whip Jazz Charleston confirmed the appointment, and said that the pigeon had the majority support of the parliamentary party, as well as the Conservative Party in the country. But many fear that there has been some sort of mistake.

“It is clear to me that some sort of mistake has been made, ‘ said Tory MP Toff Snobham, from the constituency of Titcombe Mallard North. “The ballot paper only had one name on it, and that name was Michael Howard”. His colleague, Leg Spinner (Saggy Bottoms & District), agreed. “I didn’t notice any other name present. Unless it was the one that said ‘battery-powered pigeon’. But that was a joke. That was obviously a joke. I mean, I ticked the box next to it, but it was a laugh. Wasn’t it?’

Junction Seven

The election to the Conservative Leadership of a battery-powered pigeon has led many Tories to question their particular method of polling, with many privately believing that the tricky business of choosing should be left to talented dolphins.

But it is not the first time that a political party has had problems with its balloting process. In 1887, a succession of failed leadership bids and an outbreak of explosive diorreah from the backbenches led to the Labour Party electing as leader, a Pay As You Go mobile telephone, with just £3.50 left on credit. And in 1907, the usually foolproof method employed by the Liberal Democrats of kicking a wolf until it bit someone, produced an unusual result when it got confused and bit itself. (To this day, Charles Kennedy’s party are forced to endure jibes flung at them by journalists concerning 1909’s controversial ‘Three Little Pigs Policy’, which prohibited the building of butchers’ shops with anything other than straw. Much of the country’s fresh meat produce was subsequently blown away during the Big Fart of 1910, resulting in an explosion of cheap plasticine imports from Nicaragua. Many were ill.).

Stop It, Kenneth

Analysts believe the battery-powered pigeon’s election may not be quite what the Tories need right now. “It just flaps from one end of the room to the other”, said a clearly frustrated Mickey Pong, (MP, My Bishop’s Court, Guv’nor). “Back and forth, back and forth. And it’s eyes light up in the dark. What sort of a pigeon does that?” Liberal Democrat Beard spokesman, Lyle Groovy was equally dismissive of the Tories’ choice. “It’s a pigeon! What’s it going to do? Coo?!” he shouted from the top of the corduroy cupboard in the Common’s Rainforest-Themed Dining Room.

But others have pledged their support for the battery-powered pigeon. “It’s a good laugh”, said MP for Thingford & the Regions, Luck Halliday. “If you get bored of watching it go back and forth, back and forth, you can clap your hands and it goes ‘eeeeeeeee'”. Eloise Prawnsgrove, 137, from Fuff, agreed. “I always liked Mr. Macmillan. He was ever such a nice man. We used to buy all our turnips from him, and he’d always let me tickle his dog. Is the war still on?”

Butter-Side Down?

Other MPs questioned said they were sure it would probably be fine.

“Obviously we will all get behind the pigeon”, said Thistle Frisker, MP for the Borough of Nicholas & Lower A bigail. “The pigeon has set out some interesting policies so far, not all to do with feathers, and we intend to use them to hold this discredited Government to account. Once they’ve stopped laughing”.

“It could have been worse,” added Shadow Nose Job secretary, Wiff O’ Dell. “In ’54, we elected a plate of mince”.

“I just hope the battery’s a Duracell one”, added party bigwig, Lord Bigwig. “They last for ages; we’ve had the same one in our telly remote for seven years”.

Michael Howard’s office in Smith Square has refused to comment on the battery-powered pigeon’s appointment, although exotic swear words could be heard coming through the extractor fan in the basement toilets.

(Analysis: Page 7)

Order your own battery-powered pigeon, vole or elephant shrew at Dick’s Fun Shop before December 11th, and he’ll give you your very own political party absolutely free.

 

News: Voters Blast ‘Big Conversation’

By Royston Mcoy, Chief Political Correspondent

Tony Blair’s latest attempt to re-connect with a dissatisfied country went badly wrong today, when he asked them what they wanted him to do and they told him.

Labour’s ‘Big Conversation’ is the latest in a long line of attempts to re-connect with a disillusioned electorate, but many feel it is no more than a half-hearted attempt to curry public favour before the General Election. More disturbingly for the Government, according to a My – Deaf – Monkey – Could – Do – It – Better – Even – If – It – Was – In – A – Suitcase poll conducted for the Spoon, eighty-nine per cent of those questioned now believe that the New Labour project has run out of steam.

The Prime Minister began his listening exercise by meeting local representatives at Wally’s Wintry Water World in Basingstoke, who hoped to force a change in the controversial top-up fees policy, championed by Education Secretary, Charles Clarke.

But the only concession on offer that day, was three slides for the price of two on Sammy Seal’s Slippery Splash-Spume, with five minutes in the Bubble Tank for politically challenged under-fives. Dogs were also welcome.

…fifteen pounds if it was an ounce.

After his splash, the Prime Minister enjoyed a plate of microwave chips and a Penguin Pop in the complex’s ‘Polar Bar’, before moving on to talk to voters.

Said one source of the exercise, “Tony was completely wrong-footed from the start. He made the mistake of telling the electorate he was prepared to listen, and that was that. There was no getting out of it. He’d puffed his last Hamlet. He’d lost his receipt. He’d boarded the last train to Dagenham.

He’d caught his weasel in the fly-mo. To put it bluntly, he’d been ambushed by the choirmaster in the rhubarb patch”.
Others agreed less metaphorically. “He was clearly ill at ease”, said press aide, Stu Charmers. “An elderly gentleman asked him what he proposed to do about the pensions crisis, and he just stared at his elbows. He eventually answered, but it came out in Chinese.”

Tensions worsened when the Premier was questioned about his stance on Iraq. Said Charmers, “He couldn’t hack it. He tried to hide in a locker. Eventually, he was prised out by lifeguards, but then ran behind his wife’s skirt. John Prescott had to divert attention with his doughnut trick. It was embarrassing”. A brief respite for the PM came when eighty-four year old Desmond Whopper asked if his canary could be given a driving licence. A clearly relieved Mr. Blair joked, “Yes, that should be fine. Providing it can be done on the cheep”.
He seemed pleased with the resulting laughter, but when questioned afterwards, most present said they’d been watching attendants trying to prise an old woman out of the Lucozade machine.

The Conversation Bus is due to arrive in Northampton next week, where the Prime Minister will face another barrage of hostile questions. “Northampton should be better”, Labour Fudge Spokesman, Larkin Mallowfield asserted confidently. “We’ve already done a quick reconnaissance, and there are lots of places to hide. At the moment, we’re going with the large sunflower pot outside Glen’s Grow-Your-Own, but it could change at the last minute. Another alternative is ‘Beryl’s’, on the high street. Their Christmas display could conceal half the cabinet”.

 

News: Owls? Excellent, But Not Constantly.

By Trish Parsons

A man from Ching has developed the first all-weather ‘Owl-Ignorer’. Jiff Smithing, a stockbroker from the small village of Wee, had the idea for the device when his family visited Smeeforth Owl Sanctuary, in Clapper. “All my family were really interested in the owls, but after a while I wasn’t at all. I looked at them for a bit, but then just wanted to sit down and read the paper,” said Jiff. “Unfortunately, my children kept coming up to me, pulling at my arm and saying, ‘look Daddy, look at the owls’. I tried to explain that I’d already seen them, but they didn’t understand”.

Jiff hit upon the idea of his Owl-Ignorer soon afterwards. “We were watching television, it was ‘Wildlife on One’, and it was about owls”, recalls Jiff. “I watched it for a while, about twenty-five minutes, maybe half an hour, then decided I’d go and see if my plant was all right. But my wife called out from across the room, ‘Jiff, look at the owls. They’re swooping over a river to catch fish’. So I had to put down my watering can and go and see the owls again, even though I’d already been watching them earlier. I just really wanted to ignore them. That’s when I got the idea”.

Jiff’s Owl-Ignorer works on the basis of not being able to see or hear owls, almost as if they weren’t there. Shaped rather like a box, it attaches to the body over the head, using the shoulders as a solid platform to rest on. Fastened to the device is a long shroud made of duvet, which when wrapped securely, acts as a soundproof curtain, thus ensuring that any nearby owls cannot be seen or heard by the wearer. “It’s still in the development stage really”, says Jiff. “You certainly can’t see owls, that’s working perfectly, but it’s still possible to hear them faintly. I need
to work on a way of wrapping the visor in more duvet”.

“Great, just not all the time”

Jiff’s device has attracted the interest of several marketing companies and the Government, but has already courted controversy from the Church. Canon Yule Jeremy believes there is a danger. “The danger I believe there to be is that owls are important creatures that need to be looked at. Their image is important, particularly to the Christmas card industry. If everybody wore Mr. Smithing’s owl-ignoring device, owls would lose an important part of their income. They’d end up having to take on a variety of jobs, many of which may be unsuitable”.

But others have welcomed Jiff Smithing’s idea. Trent Berkley has been an enthusiastic owl watcher for many years, but says sometimes he’d rather not see them.

“I like owls, really enjoy looking at them”, he says. “But every so often I’d just rather not see them, when I’m having a dump for example and don’t want to be put off, so I would cautiously welcome any kind of ignoring device. Providing, of course, that it caused no distress to the owls. I wouldn’t want that”.
Jiff expects to showcase his Owl-Ignorer at the Ideal Home Exhibition in November.

 

News: Demonstration makes Anti Demonstration Demo a Success.

The 2 million protestors this weekend hailed their demonstration a huge success, and were not deterred by the demonstration against their protest by 2 protestors. Government officials, under pressure by the unexpected turnout of people who took to the streets, appear to have caved into the demands and have been said to be taking “fast, direct and necessary action inline with the views of the people”

Demonstrators who”rocked parliaments foundations”

**STOP PRESS**
A new Anti-Demonstration Bill banning demonstrations is being presented to parliament tomorrow

 

News: NHS Chief blast new labour spin

By Anne Thammer

A senior NHS executive launched a damning attack on the Government today when he blasted New Labour ‘spin’.

Conundrum Yardarm, Chief Executive of the NHS’ most senior body of governors, described New Labour spin as “that blasted New Labour spin”. The blasting occurred during a relaxing weekend break with his wife, Boudica, at their Grade II listed manor house outside of Cheltenham. According to an eyewitness, Mr. Yardarm was quietly reading the Telegraph before his customary mid-morning cockfight, when something caught his attention. “I was just coming up to Mr. Yardarm with his morning coffee, when all of a sudden he threw his newspaper down and shouted ‘blast that New Labour spin’ at quite a loud volume”, recalls the Yardarm’s housekeeper, Eve Evesham, 57, from Shrewsbury. “I dropped the coffee on the floor and fled the room; it was just so awful. Fortunately, Mrs. Yardarm was hanging out the cat, so she couldn’t have heard. I’m sure it would have killed her”.

Morning coffee drinking in this
position may also be dangerous

This lamentable blasting from such a senior figure is yet another sign that New Labour’s reliance on spin and fairy-tales has not stopped, despite assurances from party officials that their Big Red Book of B@lls has been flushed down the widdle-hole.

 

News: Train derailed as driver forgets to post letter.

At 08:57 the 07:43 train from Birchington-on-Sea derailed shortly before Heme Bay Station when the driver, Mr Pete Henk, remember that he had forgotten to post a letter to his grandmother, thanking her for his birthday present, a clock. When the realisation came upon him, he knew he had to take action.

“I felt the letter in my inside jacket pocket, and panicked. I took a deep breath, calmed myself and thought what I needed to do. The only option available to me was to divert the train past the post box on the corner of Bognor Drive and Fleetwood Avenue”

Mr Henk then used a secret braking and accelerating technique to launch the train off the tracks and down the embankment.

letterbox was out of reach…

“I could see the road junction in front of me and the pillar box on the corner. Unfortunately the train ground to a halt at the bottom of the embankment and the letter box was still out of reach.”

When questioned how he expected to get the train back on the tracks, Mr Henk could only reply “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead”.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, and Mrs Davis from 46 Sandown Drive kindly offered everyone a toffee apple.

 

News: Tory orbit blunder

By Gil Remington, Science Correspondent

The Tories, in a fresh setback that will dismay Iain Duncan Smith, have gone into space. The shock news was flashed around Westminster during the early hours of this afternoon.

The going-into-space happened just as the Commons had reconvened after their usual six-hour lunch break. According to eyewitnesses, the Tories were just taking their seats when they went into space. Julius Feelie, Liberal Democrat MP for Lingerie & Curtain Fabrics West, was one of the first on the scene. “One second they were taking their seats, the next they had gone completely into space. This hadn’t been a tabled motion; they hadn’t received permission from the Speaker. I think it must have been a terrible accident”.

Space. The final frontier.

With the threat from the Liberal Democrats at it’s most credible since 1345, the going-into-space will be regarded by many as a strategic blunder. “They should really be concentrating on their policies for the next election, not going into space”, said inflatable Labour spokesperson, Rubber Johnson. “I really can’t see what good going into space is going to do them. They’ll be up there for at least two years. When Labour last went into space, they received an absolute thrashing from the Thatcher Government when they got back. The Tories were able to say to the electorate, ‘look, Labour don’t care about you; they’re more interested in going into space

Oh b*ll*cks, I’ve sprung a leak. Blow on that would you?

With strong lunar currents predicted by Michael Fish, there is a real possibility the Tories may reach Jupiter by mid-Theresa-May, unless they manage to latch onto one of the freak off-planet drifts that are occasionally produced by strong blasts of fart from enormous galactic hamsters. But with many predicting the complete disappearance of the Conservative Party, is this going-into-space really the final curtain?“

At least we CAN go into space”, said a defiant Duncan Smith from inside his custom-built ceramic wheelbarrow. “The Lib Dems tried it in the fifties, and only got as high as tree level”