News: Descartes behind Monkey Kidnap

By The CT’s Resident Psychoanalyst, Dr. Sherwood Knocker

Pebbles the chimpanzee was last night relaxing with friends after being returned safe and well to Potherington Civic Zoo. The 3 year old self-confessed “pleasure seeker” had been missing for a fortnight when Police received an anonymous tip-off that kids’ entertainer and pop-philosopher Descartes (pictured) had taken Pebbles from his “Monkey Palace” home when it was dark. Descartes was tracked to a hideout in Leamington Spa, where he handed the ape over without resistance. “I’m glad he’s back safe”, said Detective Inspector Peter Jam, “there’s always the risk with chimps that they will be mutilated and sold to Heinz as cheap labour”.

Cold Comfort

Descartes, who has encountered difficulty with his latest “Dualism and Bouncy Castle” tour, spent last night behind bars: the Orange Sunset Bar, Brighton, the Café Go-Go Restaurant and Private Members’ Club, Cirencester, and the Rudolph Hess Lounge, Worthing. All three establishments told him to get out and, in some cases, stay out. Meanwhile, Pebbles has been told by doctors he should not read the Daily Mail until December.

Descartes in the Early Days & (inset) Pebbles.

How Descartes Beat the System:

1. 21:35: Descartes enters the Zoo claiming he is a passing Frog Trader. A silly Zoo Guard lets him in.
2. 21:42: Descartes creeps behind the Zoo Offices using a sapling as camouflage. He needn’t have bothered: the staff are made of paper.
3. 21:45: Descartes enters the deserted Nocturnal Gallery. Fearing the “Spooky Noises” section he soon retreats.
4. 21:59: Attracted by the “South American Gateway”, Descartes makes his way Southwards. But the exhibit is closed.
5. 22:05: Pebbles is kidnapped from the Sea Lions Enclosure, where he is playing dominos. Descartes escapes with the chimp on a nearby heron.

 

News: Animal confusion at City Farm

By nature lover and nudist, Anne Phlange

Trevor Cleftbrook was at the centre of a confusing moment at “Touch our Animals City Farm” in Wandsworth last week.

The commotion began as Trevor approached the donkey enclosure. “I was taking a look round the farm during my lunch hour and spotted the donkeys, which looked quite bored. I wanted to point them out to my colleague who was also there with me, but mistakenly refereed to them as sheep – suddenly chaos ensued!”

easily confused.

Graham Ardman, owner of “Touch our Animals City Farm” said he was appalled. “If a grown man can’t even remember the name of a common farm yard animal, no wonder the country is going down the pan and more and more prone to an meteor attack every day” he said, gazing into the sky.

“Touch our Animals City Farm” closed for the afternoon but has now reopened for more friendly animal petting. Nothing lewd mind.

 

News: ‘Pay-As-You-Go Sting’ Withdrawn From Shelves

By Our Science Correspondent, Gil Remington

The mobile pop star giant, PocketPop UK Ltd, today withdrew each of its Pay As You Go Stings from supermarket shelves across the country.

Said company spokesman, Graham Cornwallis: “It has been brought to our notice that the popular Sting model has certain defects, which if uncorrected, could pose considerable health and safety problems for the consumer. We have therefore decided to remove this product from stores in order to correct this unfortunate flaw. We hope to have them back in the shops by Christmas. If anyone has got one of our Stings at home, we urge them to throw it in the neighbour’s birdbath quickly, but safely’.

A suitable disposal area for your Pay-as-you-go Sting

The Pay As You Go Sting has been one of PocketPop’s most popular sellers. Having first topped up their credit from special Sting-shaped Currency Booths (President Chirac is said to have one in his private toilet), customers can then choose from six Sting classics, ranging from ‘Fields of Gold’ to ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Englishman in New York’ to enjoy. The song is then played through microscopic speakers, whilst the head tilts back and forth to mimic a live stage performance.

However, the glitch, which has come to the attention of consumers in Bolton, concerns a rendition of ‘Every Breath You Take’ which in actual fact sounds more like the popular Victorian music hall song, ‘Grandad’s Run Off In My Trousers’, originally performed by ‘Cheeky’ Johnny Frobisher in 1871. The legal rights to this composition have long since been eaten by a cat, but that has not stopped certain descendents of Mr. Frobisher from claiming that the company is guilty of a breach of copyright.

Perhaps more worryingly for PocketPop however, is the theory put forward by Professor Max Wiltshire, from the University of East Feltham, that the Pay As You Go Sting is actually dangerously unstable, due to the tiny nuclear reactor each is powered by.

“It’s no joke to say that two elephants walked off a cliff, boom boom. No sorry, that is a joke, but it would certainly be no laughing matter if one of these Stings went off in your face. I couldn’t say exactly what might happen, but I would cautiously estimate that most of the South East would be destroyed, and possibly Taunton. Of course, it’s quite possible that nothing would happen, but if it did, and you’d ignored the warning signs, how would you ever explain it to your dog? Or child? No, I would advise people to be safe rather than sorry; it’s just not worth the risk. Oh, by the way, has anyone seen those Pay As You Go Stings that sing his classic hits for a small charge? I’m getting one of them for Christmas. They look fun’.

 

News: Labour Leadership Contender Contends Labour Leadership

This shock announcement by Spin McDonald, Political Correspondent

Labour’s silence over its internal leadership feuding was dramatically shattered this week, when a leading plotter broke cover on Friday. But to the clear dismay of three- and-a-half year old Billy Tinkle, from Welwyn, it was not Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, but the man who cleans out No. 10’s crocodile enclosure, the Right Reverend Patrick Pew-Yewling.

Saucy

Rev. Pew-Yewling announced his leadership bid in the Purple Hippo, Whitehall, on Friday night. According to nose-witnesses, the elderly cleric finished off his eighth pint of the landlord’s finest before slamming Labour’s record in power, condemning Tony Blair for betraying Labour’s roots, creating a two-tier NHS, and allowing visitors to Downing Street to relieve themselves in the terrapin pool. He then joined in an energetic line dance.

The speed at which Rev. Pew-Yewling, 77, has established his leadership credentials has impressed many political analysts, and athletics commentators.

“I’d be happy to see this man establish his leadership credentials for the UK at the next Olympics”, said BBC sports journalist, Doug Dagenham. “He was off the blocks and going for gold even before Gordon Brown had put his trousers on. Incredible”. “And a dab hand with a banana”, added wildlife expert, Anna Hairy. “I’ve seen him coax a baboon out of a Sycamore with just one bunch. Tony Blair should be worried”.

Harmless fun?

Fiat Uno

Rev. Pew-Yewling has been in his furry post since 1985, when Margaret Thatcher installed the monkey house in the garden of No. 10 after receiving it as a gift from President Cliff Kawanga, of the People’s Republic of Stratford-upon-Avon. The crocodiles were a controversial addition, included in the Prime Ministerial menagerie during John Major’s administration. Whitehall rumour has it that political opponents and off-message aides were fed to the prehistoric beasts during Major’s own leadership troubles, but despite frequent reports of high-pitched screaming and the discovery of assorted limbs scattered about Horse Guards Parade, no evidence was ever found.

Seven? Careful, Alan

However, despite his self-proclaimed suitability for the top job, Whitehall officials have dismissed Rev. Pew-Yewling’s challenge as ‘largely balls’.

“He knows his pandas from his porcupines, but politically he’s a fish out of water”, said Kong Hooper, the Prime Minister’s unofficial jeans spokesman. “I’d be very surprised if this article is taken seriously”.

But Rev. Pew-Yewling’s campaign manager, Cardinal Glenda Bounder, believes that the holy man’s chances are good. “He’s got a very hands-on approach to things; he’s always got his hands on something. Whether it’s a baby penguin, or a passing choirboy, his hands will be on it. On it like a whippet. Amazing. Yes, sometimes he’s been arrested, but haven’t we all? I know I have. Christ, loads of times”.

Pepys: played for Fulham

Gordon Brown will be watching Rev. Pew-Yewling’s bid for power with keen interest, but one man who won’t, is dead diarist, social observer and semi-professional footballer, Samuel Pepys. Speaking on GMTV this morning, seventeenth- century historian, Gollings Boland said that he was convinced the famous commentator would have wanted to know what was going on. “I’m sure he’d have been really quite interested; he always enjoyed his current affairs. It’s a pity in many ways”.

(Should monkeys be given booze and fast cars? You decide, page 11)

 

News: Tories Nearly Elect Howard

• Election process produces surprise result
• ‘Not cock up’ insist party loyalists
• ‘Laughter’

By Our Chief Political Editor, Royston McCoy

The Conservative Party, in what is already being described as ‘one of the most peculiar elections in the history of democracy’, has voted unanimously to appoint a battery-powered pigeon to the position of Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, The CT has learned from reading other newspapers.

Pigeon: “policies”

Jiff Lemon

In a statement apparently released immediately following the result, visibly confused Tory whip Jazz Charleston confirmed the appointment, and said that the pigeon had the majority support of the parliamentary party, as well as the Conservative Party in the country. But many fear that there has been some sort of mistake.

“It is clear to me that some sort of mistake has been made, ‘ said Tory MP Toff Snobham, from the constituency of Titcombe Mallard North. “The ballot paper only had one name on it, and that name was Michael Howard”. His colleague, Leg Spinner (Saggy Bottoms & District), agreed. “I didn’t notice any other name present. Unless it was the one that said ‘battery-powered pigeon’. But that was a joke. That was obviously a joke. I mean, I ticked the box next to it, but it was a laugh. Wasn’t it?’

Junction Seven

The election to the Conservative Leadership of a battery-powered pigeon has led many Tories to question their particular method of polling, with many privately believing that the tricky business of choosing should be left to talented dolphins.

But it is not the first time that a political party has had problems with its balloting process. In 1887, a succession of failed leadership bids and an outbreak of explosive diorreah from the backbenches led to the Labour Party electing as leader, a Pay As You Go mobile telephone, with just £3.50 left on credit. And in 1907, the usually foolproof method employed by the Liberal Democrats of kicking a wolf until it bit someone, produced an unusual result when it got confused and bit itself. (To this day, Charles Kennedy’s party are forced to endure jibes flung at them by journalists concerning 1909’s controversial ‘Three Little Pigs Policy’, which prohibited the building of butchers’ shops with anything other than straw. Much of the country’s fresh meat produce was subsequently blown away during the Big Fart of 1910, resulting in an explosion of cheap plasticine imports from Nicaragua. Many were ill.).

Stop It, Kenneth

Analysts believe the battery-powered pigeon’s election may not be quite what the Tories need right now. “It just flaps from one end of the room to the other”, said a clearly frustrated Mickey Pong, (MP, My Bishop’s Court, Guv’nor). “Back and forth, back and forth. And it’s eyes light up in the dark. What sort of a pigeon does that?” Liberal Democrat Beard spokesman, Lyle Groovy was equally dismissive of the Tories’ choice. “It’s a pigeon! What’s it going to do? Coo?!” he shouted from the top of the corduroy cupboard in the Common’s Rainforest-Themed Dining Room.

But others have pledged their support for the battery-powered pigeon. “It’s a good laugh”, said MP for Thingford & the Regions, Luck Halliday. “If you get bored of watching it go back and forth, back and forth, you can clap your hands and it goes ‘eeeeeeeee’”. Eloise Prawnsgrove, 137, from Fuff, agreed. “I always liked Mr. Macmillan. He was ever such a nice man. We used to buy all our turnips from him, and he’d always let me tickle his dog. Is the war still on?”

Butter-Side Down?

Other MPs questioned said they were sure it would probably be fine.

“Obviously we will all get behind the pigeon”, said Thistle Frisker, MP for the Borough of Nicholas & Lower A bigail. “The pigeon has set out some interesting policies so far, not all to do with feathers, and we intend to use them to hold this discredited Government to account. Once they’ve stopped laughing”.

“It could have been worse,” added Shadow Nose Job secretary, Wiff O’ Dell. “In ‘54, we elected a plate of mince”.

“I just hope the battery’s a Duracell one”, added party bigwig, Lord Bigwig. “They last for ages; we’ve had the same one in our telly remote for seven years”.

Michael Howard’s office in Smith Square has refused to comment on the battery-powered pigeon’s appointment, although exotic swear words could be heard coming through the extractor fan in the basement toilets.

(Analysis: Page 7)

Order your own battery-powered pigeon, vole or elephant shrew at Dick’s Fun Shop before December 11th, and he’ll give you your very own political party absolutely free.

 

News: Voters Blast ‘Big Conversation’

By Royston Mcoy, Chief Political Correspondent

Tony Blair’s latest attempt to re-connect with a dissatisfied country went badly wrong today, when he asked them what they wanted him to do and they told him.

Labour’s ‘Big Conversation’ is the latest in a long line of attempts to re-connect with a disillusioned electorate, but many feel it is no more than a half-hearted attempt to curry public favour before the General Election. More disturbingly for the Government, according to a My – Deaf – Monkey – Could – Do – It – Better – Even – If – It – Was – In – A – Suitcase poll conducted for the Spoon, eighty-nine per cent of those questioned now believe that the New Labour project has run out of steam.

The Prime Minister began his listening exercise by meeting local representatives at Wally’s Wintry Water World in Basingstoke, who hoped to force a change in the controversial top-up fees policy, championed by Education Secretary, Charles Clarke.

But the only concession on offer that day, was three slides for the price of two on Sammy Seal’s Slippery Splash-Spume, with five minutes in the Bubble Tank for politically challenged under-fives. Dogs were also welcome.

…fifteen pounds if it was an ounce.

After his splash, the Prime Minister enjoyed a plate of microwave chips and a Penguin Pop in the complex’s ‘Polar Bar’, before moving on to talk to voters.

Said one source of the exercise, “Tony was completely wrong-footed from the start. He made the mistake of telling the electorate he was prepared to listen, and that was that. There was no getting out of it. He’d puffed his last Hamlet. He’d lost his receipt. He’d boarded the last train to Dagenham.

He’d caught his weasel in the fly-mo. To put it bluntly, he’d been ambushed by the choirmaster in the rhubarb patch”.
Others agreed less metaphorically. “He was clearly ill at ease”, said press aide, Stu Charmers. “An elderly gentleman asked him what he proposed to do about the pensions crisis, and he just stared at his elbows. He eventually answered, but it came out in Chinese.”

Tensions worsened when the Premier was questioned about his stance on Iraq. Said Charmers, “He couldn’t hack it. He tried to hide in a locker. Eventually, he was prised out by lifeguards, but then ran behind his wife’s skirt. John Prescott had to divert attention with his doughnut trick. It was embarrassing”. A brief respite for the PM came when eighty-four year old Desmond Whopper asked if his canary could be given a driving licence. A clearly relieved Mr. Blair joked, “Yes, that should be fine. Providing it can be done on the cheep”.
He seemed pleased with the resulting laughter, but when questioned afterwards, most present said they’d been watching attendants trying to prise an old woman out of the Lucozade machine.

The Conversation Bus is due to arrive in Northampton next week, where the Prime Minister will face another barrage of hostile questions. “Northampton should be better”, Labour Fudge Spokesman, Larkin Mallowfield asserted confidently. “We’ve already done a quick reconnaissance, and there are lots of places to hide. At the moment, we’re going with the large sunflower pot outside Glen’s Grow-Your-Own, but it could change at the last minute. Another alternative is ‘Beryl’s’, on the high street. Their Christmas display could conceal half the cabinet”.

 

News: Owls? Excellent, But Not Constantly.

By Trish Parsons

A man from Ching has developed the first all-weather ‘Owl-Ignorer’. Jiff Smithing, a stockbroker from the small village of Wee, had the idea for the device when his family visited Smeeforth Owl Sanctuary, in Clapper. “All my family were really interested in the owls, but after a while I wasn’t at all. I looked at them for a bit, but then just wanted to sit down and read the paper,” said Jiff. “Unfortunately, my children kept coming up to me, pulling at my arm and saying, ‘look Daddy, look at the owls’. I tried to explain that I’d already seen them, but they didn’t understand”.

Jiff hit upon the idea of his Owl-Ignorer soon afterwards. “We were watching television, it was ‘Wildlife on One’, and it was about owls”, recalls Jiff. “I watched it for a while, about twenty-five minutes, maybe half an hour, then decided I’d go and see if my plant was all right. But my wife called out from across the room, ‘Jiff, look at the owls. They’re swooping over a river to catch fish’. So I had to put down my watering can and go and see the owls again, even though I’d already been watching them earlier. I just really wanted to ignore them. That’s when I got the idea”.

Jiff’s Owl-Ignorer works on the basis of not being able to see or hear owls, almost as if they weren’t there. Shaped rather like a box, it attaches to the body over the head, using the shoulders as a solid platform to rest on. Fastened to the device is a long shroud made of duvet, which when wrapped securely, acts as a soundproof curtain, thus ensuring that any nearby owls cannot be seen or heard by the wearer. “It’s still in the development stage really”, says Jiff. “You certainly can’t see owls, that’s working perfectly, but it’s still possible to hear them faintly. I need
to work on a way of wrapping the visor in more duvet”.

“Great, just not all the time”

Jiff’s device has attracted the interest of several marketing companies and the Government, but has already courted controversy from the Church. Canon Yule Jeremy believes there is a danger. “The danger I believe there to be is that owls are important creatures that need to be looked at. Their image is important, particularly to the Christmas card industry. If everybody wore Mr. Smithing’s owl-ignoring device, owls would lose an important part of their income. They’d end up having to take on a variety of jobs, many of which may be unsuitable”.

But others have welcomed Jiff Smithing’s idea. Trent Berkley has been an enthusiastic owl watcher for many years, but says sometimes he’d rather not see them.

“I like owls, really enjoy looking at them”, he says. “But every so often I’d just rather not see them, when I’m having a dump for example and don’t want to be put off, so I would cautiously welcome any kind of ignoring device. Providing, of course, that it caused no distress to the owls. I wouldn’t want that”.
Jiff expects to showcase his Owl-Ignorer at the Ideal Home Exhibition in November.

 

News: Demonstration makes Anti Demonstration Demo a Success.

The 2 million protestors this weekend hailed their demonstration a huge success, and were not deterred by the demonstration against their protest by 2 protestors. Government officials, under pressure by the unexpected turnout of people who took to the streets, appear to have caved into the demands and have been said to be taking “fast, direct and necessary action inline with the views of the people”

Demonstrators who”rocked parliaments foundations”

**STOP PRESS**
A new Anti-Demonstration Bill banning demonstrations is being presented to parliament tomorrow

 

News: NHS Chief blast new labour spin

By Anne Thammer

A senior NHS executive launched a damning attack on the Government today when he blasted New Labour ‘spin’.

Conundrum Yardarm, Chief Executive of the NHS’ most senior body of governors, described New Labour spin as “that blasted New Labour spin”. The blasting occurred during a relaxing weekend break with his wife, Boudica, at their Grade II listed manor house outside of Cheltenham. According to an eyewitness, Mr. Yardarm was quietly reading the Telegraph before his customary mid-morning cockfight, when something caught his attention. “I was just coming up to Mr. Yardarm with his morning coffee, when all of a sudden he threw his newspaper down and shouted ‘blast that New Labour spin’ at quite a loud volume”, recalls the Yardarm’s housekeeper, Eve Evesham, 57, from Shrewsbury. “I dropped the coffee on the floor and fled the room; it was just so awful. Fortunately, Mrs. Yardarm was hanging out the cat, so she couldn’t have heard. I’m sure it would have killed her”.

Morning coffee drinking in this
position may also be dangerous

This lamentable blasting from such a senior figure is yet another sign that New Labour’s reliance on spin and fairy-tales has not stopped, despite assurances from party officials that their Big Red Book of B@lls has been flushed down the widdle-hole.

 

News: Train derailed as driver forgets to post letter.

At 08:57 the 07:43 train from Birchington-on-Sea derailed shortly before Heme Bay Station when the driver, Mr Pete Henk, remember that he had forgotten to post a letter to his grandmother, thanking her for his birthday present, a clock. When the realisation came upon him, he knew he had to take action.

“I felt the letter in my inside jacket pocket, and panicked. I took a deep breath, calmed myself and thought what I needed to do. The only option available to me was to divert the train past the post box on the corner of Bognor Drive and Fleetwood Avenue”

Mr Henk then used a secret braking and accelerating technique to launch the train off the tracks and down the embankment.

letterbox was out of reach…

“I could see the road junction in front of me and the pillar box on the corner. Unfortunately the train ground to a halt at the bottom of the embankment and the letter box was still out of reach.”

When questioned how he expected to get the train back on the tracks, Mr Henk could only reply “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead”.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, and Mrs Davis from 46 Sandown Drive kindly offered everyone a toffee apple.

 

News: Tory orbit blunder

By Gil Remington, Science Correspondent

The Tories, in a fresh setback that will dismay Iain Duncan Smith, have gone into space. The shock news was flashed around Westminster during the early hours of this afternoon.

The going-into-space happened just as the Commons had reconvened after their usual six-hour lunch break. According to eyewitnesses, the Tories were just taking their seats when they went into space. Julius Feelie, Liberal Democrat MP for Lingerie & Curtain Fabrics West, was one of the first on the scene. “One second they were taking their seats, the next they had gone completely into space. This hadn’t been a tabled motion; they hadn’t received permission from the Speaker. I think it must have been a terrible accident”.

Space. The final frontier.

With the threat from the Liberal Democrats at it’s most credible since 1345, the going-into-space will be regarded by many as a strategic blunder. “They should really be concentrating on their policies for the next election, not going into space”, said inflatable Labour spokesperson, Rubber Johnson. “I really can’t see what good going into space is going to do them. They’ll be up there for at least two years. When Labour last went into space, they received an absolute thrashing from the Thatcher Government when they got back. The Tories were able to say to the electorate, ‘look, Labour don’t care about you; they’re more interested in going into space

Oh b*ll*cks, I’ve sprung a leak. Blow on that would you?

With strong lunar currents predicted by Michael Fish, there is a real possibility the Tories may reach Jupiter by mid-Theresa-May, unless they manage to latch onto one of the freak off-planet drifts that are occasionally produced by strong blasts of fart from enormous galactic hamsters. But with many predicting the complete disappearance of the Conservative Party, is this going-into-space really the final curtain?“

At least we CAN go into space”, said a defiant Duncan Smith from inside his custom-built ceramic wheelbarrow. “The Lib Dems tried it in the fifties, and only got as high as tree level”

 

News: Stolen Car Found in Stolen Baby

Parents of 4 month year old Susie Wilden we relieved to find their family salon car safe and sound inside their you daughter. Mrs Wilden had left Susie playing in the front garden of their house in Brighton le Sands when she heard the telephone ringing.

“I took the call for vacuum bag cleaning services, and after politely refusing the salesman, I went back outside and saw both my car and Susie had vanished!”

Mrs Wilden ran to look up and down the street.

“Firstly I thought she had gone to visit Marley in Devon Cheyne Close, but she couldn’t have travelled that far in such a short time.”

She called the Police, who arrived interfrastically.

After a detailed search of the area, baby Susie was soon found, and on closer inspection, so was the Volkswagen Passat.

Police blame digested car on “ingredients
of evil” cakes such as this.

 

“I was delighted to be reunited with Susie” said Mrs Wilden, “though was troubled at the amount on weight she appeared to have gained in her short absence, and the whereabouts of the car” Baby Susie weighed in at 1.3 tonnes, and this lead police to the conclusion that she had swallowed the car.

The kidnapers have not yet been found, Police are still waiting to examine Susie’s Stool sample.

 

Party Conference Reveals Labour Split

By Our Chief Political Editor, Royston McCoy, at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth

Labour have experienced their most embarrassing split yet, coming only mid-way through their annual party conference. The split occurred during a brief questions and answers session, hosted by Cheddar Thwat (MP, Little Winkle & Sniff), and is reported to be the most divisive split yet recorded in the history of the Labour movement. (This outweighs even the split that occurred during the Atlee administration, when seven badgers were delivered to a party of eight).

According to eyewitnesses, Mr. Thwat had just fielded a question from a delegate present at the conference, when the split appeared. “One minute, Mr. Thwat was fielding a question from a delegate present at the conference, the next, a split appeared”, said a visibly shaken party member. Another quickly agreed. “Mr Thwat had just fielded a question from a delegate present at the conference, and the next thing we knew, this split appeared. Just appeared like that”. The split, reported by many as being huge, appeared so suddenly that many party members were knocked off their chairs. Mike Judge, MP for Bognor & Inverness Broadway, had the misfortune to be sitting at the front of the auditorium, just to the right of the stage. “I was just getting to my feet to ask a question of Mr. Thwat, when this enormous split came flying out of nowhere and smacked me hard in the lower bowels. I was catapulted into the air and wound up on a balcony overlooking the seafront. Apart from the throbbing pain, it was a nice view, so I sat there for a while with some fish & chips”.

Maksim Alyoshin is sitting here in a classic pose from
male floor exercise, in perfect split with perfect toe point.

The split comes just at the wrong time for Tony Blair, who had hoped to avoid any splits during what is certainly his most turbulent time as Prime Minister. “We came down from London in a small Fiat instead of the usual limo, in the hope that any split on the prowl wouldn’t notice”, said presidential minder, Bob Woof. “But we failed to take into account that your average split has a very keen eye for car deception. I think it must have strapped itself to the roof rack”. His colleague, Such Lambways, agreed. “It was either a roof rack split, or perhaps a direction-asking split. Although in my view, it could easily have been a train-booking, taxi-riding-from-the-station split, with luggage and a pre-booked ticket”. Several security personnel attempted, through the use of force and bible reading, to contain the split, which by this time had devoured sixteen gold-painted foldaway chairs, and a small pie.

However, it was only as the Prime Minister himself took to the stage, that the split began to show its true colours.

“The split began to show its true colours just as the Prime Minister appeared on the stage”, said the PM’s divinely delectable assistant, Caroline Buttermee-Strictly. “I knew it was going to go for him; he was wearing a very smart suit, which must be a red rag to a bull for a split intent on mischief. Poor Mr. Blair was a sitting target. I have a room upstairs by the way if you’re interested?”

The split bounced around the PM with deliberate cunning, before messing up his hair. But before it could do any worse, it was contained by Police Chief Constable Alan Wrong. “I managed to subdue the split through means of shouting and a large sack. I shouted at the split in high falsetto, until it backed into the sack and was tied up by my deputy. It is now being held at Bournemouth Police Station until such time as it promises to go home. I have a room upstairs by the way if you’re interested?”

The Prime Minister was able, after extensive hair-ministry, to continue with his speech, which mentioned the NHS, Iraq and some other things. But with the state of Labour’s trousers now, the next session of Parliament promises to be one of his most
challenging yet.

Badgers should not be given to under-fives.

 

News: Where is Turtle?

Fears were growing last night for Turtle, the Foreign Office chief who went missing on Tuesday night. Despite a sighting near Cheam, the 43 year old’s whereabouts remain a mystery.

A spokesperson for the Foreign Office confirmed yesterday afternoon that on Wednesday morning, Turtle had been “arguing loudly” with a colleague, possibly Jack Straw, and had eaten the office stapler. “That was the last we heard of him. He left in a huff and said something about Hitler”, said Janet Fond, 92, a Government official.

Turtle at the Washington Convention, 1995

Drummed In
Turtle has been in charge of the Foreign Office since 1978. It was he who led Britain into the Falklands Conflict four years later, and it was only by his swift intervention and legendary powers of diplomacy that the UK avoided war with Corsica in 1991.

His last minute compromise on Herring quotas and official branding of Sardinia as “Wanky”, caused the then Corsican Governor Francois Parsnip to withdraw his tanks from Barnes Common. Lady Thatcher declined to comment in person as she jogged past my office, but later she issued this statement to some newspapers: “Without Turtle, Britain would currently be ruled by communists, and for that we are half-heartedly grateful. We are concerned for his safety and our thoughts are with his friends and family at this bloody awful time. We hope he’s not been rogered by a squirrel”.

 

News: Heat wave threatens straw man

Police are today increasing their efforts to save straw man, Vincent Galapagos, from the worst heat wave to strike Britain in more than two thousand years. Mr. Galapagos, a diving instructor from Petersfield, is being constantly doused with a special mixture of water and Fairy Liquid in an attempt to stop him becoming a flaming inferno. Chief Constable Wink Manillo spoke to us.
“Obviously, this is a very difficult time for Mr. Galapagos. The heat particularly affects people who are made of straw, or indeed any other flammable material. We are working with the local fire-service to ensure that he does not become a human torch. Although if he does, rest assured we will have a barbeque”.

Vincent Galapagos:

“I’m trying to carry on as usual”

SWANS
Britain is currently experiencing the severest temperatures since the fall of the Roman Empire. Scientists predict that, if it gets any worse, the world will become so hot only ants could survive. Professor Max Wiltshire, Senior Researcher of Heat at the University of East Feltham, believes that what we are witnessing is very possibly the end of the world. “I don’t think it is any sort of exaggeration to say that, whilst it may not happen, it could so easily possibly happen. Yes. Definitely. The potential is almost certainly there. I wouldn’t like to comment, but if I had to, I would say to people: get out. Leave. Run away from the heat; go by bicycle if you have to. Just get going. Wine gum?”

BOLTON WANDERERS NIL, DURHAM THREE
But not everybody is concerned by Professor Wiltshire’s theories. Bob Dundee has been selling ice cream from his van for the past twenty-five years. “Well, I’ve never had business like it”, he said. “People are guzzling cornets like you wouldn’t believe. I’m selling out by half ten at the moment. Even dogs are queuing up to get some. I can overcharge them because they don’t understand money”.
His friend, Barry Smart, is also doing a roaring trade. “When I first started selling water-filled mice, no one wanted them. Now this heat wave’s come along, people can’t get enough of them. I don’t know why, but I’m forcing water into mice as quickly as customers can buy them. I don’t know what they do with them, but that’s up to them. It’s disgusting really”.

HANG ON BETTY; I’VE GOT IT CAUGHT
Back in Petersfield, the battle for Mr. Galapagos continues. “We had a nasty scare earlier, when Vincent fell into an open pottery kiln that some wally had left lying about in his workshop”, recounts Chief Constable Manilla. Apart from that, and the blowtorch fiasco, I think we’re winning”.
But if this searing tidal wave of pent-up hellfire continues to escalate, will there be real casualties?
“It’s hard to say”, says Professor Wiltshire from his sky-dome above Malmesbury. “But if I was pushed to answer, I’d say yes. Definitely. No question. Fruit pastille?”

If you’d like to help Mr. Galapagos, and others like him, please send a donation to the Spoon’s Help Vincent Galapagos & Others Like Him Appeal, The Spoon, 7 Ladle Buildings, EC1.
Alternatively, simply post your credit card details to Gil Remington, and he’ll be happy to see that your hard-earned cash gets to where it’s needed.

(Please note: All donations are made at cardholder’s own risk. Someone stole my Thundercats mug last week, and I think it was Gil Remington. Ed.)