By our Chief Political Correspondent, Royston McCoy…
In the most extraordinary u-turn performed by a Government Minister since Geoffrey Howe’s roller-blading mishap during a visit to Horsham in 1972, the planned privitisation of trees will now NOT go ahead.
Said a spokesbush for Caroline Spelman, Minister in Charge of Trees, Leaves, Greenery, Borders & Really Thoughtfully-Designed Roundabouts, the proposal to privitise everybody’s gardens would be scrapped with immediate effect.
“Mrs Rhododendron has realised that this was, in fact, a stupid idea, and personally threw it on the bonfire herself. Personally. Herself. We as a Government have listened to the British People and have taken note of their green-fingered rage. We assumed nobody gave a shit about who sat in the ticket booth outside the Forest of Dean, but clearly we were bloody wrong. David Cameron will be thrashing himself with an oak tree in the middle of Parliament Square at five o’ clock this evening, if anyone wants tickets”.
Labour Beauty Spot Spokesman, Frances Lovely, welcomed the move. “It is of course humiliating that the Government have been forced to make such a massive u-turn, and obviously that’s the real tragedy here which no-one should forget, ever, but we welcome the decision to save The Peoples’ Forests. Like Robin Hood, the People have sprung out of the greenwood like eight-billion spandex-clad nymphs and pulled out all of the Sherrif of Nottingham’s hair, by which we mean Caroline Spelman, and by thunder they’ve pissed in her handbag and hoisted her knickers up the flagpole, oh, and another thing…”
Mr Lovely went on for a further ten minutes, but nobody knew what he meant.
