By Royston Mcoy, Chief Political Correspondent
Tony Blair’s latest attempt to re-connect with a dissatisfied country went badly wrong today, when he asked them what they wanted him to do and they told him.
Labour’s ‘Big Conversation’ is the latest in a long line of attempts to re-connect with a disillusioned electorate, but many feel it is no more than a half-hearted attempt to curry public favour before the General Election. More disturbingly for the Government, according to a My – Deaf – Monkey – Could – Do – It – Better – Even – If – It – Was – In – A – Suitcase poll conducted for the Spoon, eighty-nine per cent of those questioned now believe that the New Labour project has run out of steam.
The Prime Minister began his listening exercise by meeting local representatives at Wally’s Wintry Water World in Basingstoke, who hoped to force a change in the controversial top-up fees policy, championed by Education Secretary, Charles Clarke.
But the only concession on offer that day, was three slides for the price of two on Sammy Seal’s Slippery Splash-Spume, with five minutes in the Bubble Tank for politically challenged under-fives. Dogs were also welcome.
…fifteen pounds if it was an ounce.
After his splash, the Prime Minister enjoyed a plate of microwave chips and a Penguin Pop in the complex’s ‘Polar Bar’, before moving on to talk to voters.
Said one source of the exercise, “Tony was completely wrong-footed from the start. He made the mistake of telling the electorate he was prepared to listen, and that was that. There was no getting out of it. He’d puffed his last Hamlet. He’d lost his receipt. He’d boarded the last train to Dagenham.
He’d caught his weasel in the fly-mo. To put it bluntly, he’d been ambushed by the choirmaster in the rhubarb patch”.
Others agreed less metaphorically. “He was clearly ill at ease”, said press aide, Stu Charmers. “An elderly gentleman asked him what he proposed to do about the pensions crisis, and he just stared at his elbows. He eventually answered, but it came out in Chinese.”
Tensions worsened when the Premier was questioned about his stance on Iraq. Said Charmers, “He couldn’t hack it. He tried to hide in a locker. Eventually, he was prised out by lifeguards, but then ran behind his wife’s skirt. John Prescott had to divert attention with his doughnut trick. It was embarrassing”. A brief respite for the PM came when eighty-four year old Desmond Whopper asked if his canary could be given a driving licence. A clearly relieved Mr. Blair joked, “Yes, that should be fine. Providing it can be done on the cheep”.
He seemed pleased with the resulting laughter, but when questioned afterwards, most present said they’d been watching attendants trying to prise an old woman out of the Lucozade machine.
The Conversation Bus is due to arrive in Northampton next week, where the Prime Minister will face another barrage of hostile questions. “Northampton should be better”, Labour Fudge Spokesman, Larkin Mallowfield asserted confidently. “We’ve already done a quick reconnaissance, and there are lots of places to hide. At the moment, we’re going with the large sunflower pot outside Glen’s Grow-Your-Own, but it could change at the last minute. Another alternative is ‘Beryl’s’, on the high street. Their Christmas display could conceal half the cabinet”.
