By Our Science Correspondent, Gil Remington
The mobile pop star giant, PocketPop UK Ltd, today withdrew each of its Pay As You Go Stings from supermarket shelves across the country.
Said company spokesman, Graham Cornwallis: “It has been brought to our notice that the popular Sting model has certain defects, which if uncorrected, could pose considerable health and safety problems for the consumer. We have therefore decided to remove this product from stores in order to correct this unfortunate flaw. We hope to have them back in the shops by Christmas. If anyone has got one of our Stings at home, we urge them to throw it in the neighbour’s birdbath quickly, but safely’.
A suitable disposal area for your Pay-as-you-go Sting
The Pay As You Go Sting has been one of PocketPop’s most popular sellers. Having first topped up their credit from special Sting-shaped Currency Booths (President Chirac is said to have one in his private toilet), customers can then choose from six Sting classics, ranging from ‘Fields of Gold’ to ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Englishman in New York’ to enjoy. The song is then played through microscopic speakers, whilst the head tilts back and forth to mimic a live stage performance.
However, the glitch, which has come to the attention of consumers in Bolton, concerns a rendition of ‘Every Breath You Take’ which in actual fact sounds more like the popular Victorian music hall song, ‘Grandad’s Run Off In My Trousers’, originally performed by ‘Cheeky’ Johnny Frobisher in 1871. The legal rights to this composition have long since been eaten by a cat, but that has not stopped certain descendents of Mr. Frobisher from claiming that the company is guilty of a breach of copyright.
Perhaps more worryingly for PocketPop however, is the theory put forward by Professor Max Wiltshire, from the University of East Feltham, that the Pay As You Go Sting is actually dangerously unstable, due to the tiny nuclear reactor each is powered by.
“It’s no joke to say that two elephants walked off a cliff, boom boom. No sorry, that is a joke, but it would certainly be no laughing matter if one of these Stings went off in your face. I couldn’t say exactly what might happen, but I would cautiously estimate that most of the South East would be destroyed, and possibly Taunton. Of course, it’s quite possible that nothing would happen, but if it did, and you’d ignored the warning signs, how would you ever explain it to your dog? Or child? No, I would advise people to be safe rather than sorry; it’s just not worth the risk. Oh, by the way, has anyone seen those Pay As You Go Stings that sing his classic hits for a small charge? I’m getting one of them for Christmas. They look fun’.
