This shock announcement by Spin McDonald, Political Correspondent
Labour’s silence over its internal leadership feuding was dramatically shattered this week, when a leading plotter broke cover on Friday. But to the clear dismay of three- and-a-half year old Billy Tinkle, from Welwyn, it was not Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, but the man who cleans out No. 10’s crocodile enclosure, the Right Reverend Patrick Pew-Yewling.
Saucy
Rev. Pew-Yewling announced his leadership bid in the Purple Hippo, Whitehall, on Friday night. According to nose-witnesses, the elderly cleric finished off his eighth pint of the landlord’s finest before slamming Labour’s record in power, condemning Tony Blair for betraying Labour’s roots, creating a two-tier NHS, and allowing visitors to Downing Street to relieve themselves in the terrapin pool. He then joined in an energetic line dance.
The speed at which Rev. Pew-Yewling, 77, has established his leadership credentials has impressed many political analysts, and athletics commentators.
“I’d be happy to see this man establish his leadership credentials for the UK at the next Olympics”, said BBC sports journalist, Doug Dagenham. “He was off the blocks and going for gold even before Gordon Brown had put his trousers on. Incredible”. “And a dab hand with a banana”, added wildlife expert, Anna Hairy. “I’ve seen him coax a baboon out of a Sycamore with just one bunch. Tony Blair should be worried”.
Harmless fun?
Fiat Uno
Rev. Pew-Yewling has been in his furry post since 1985, when Margaret Thatcher installed the monkey house in the garden of No. 10 after receiving it as a gift from President Cliff Kawanga, of the People’s Republic of Stratford-upon-Avon. The crocodiles were a controversial addition, included in the Prime Ministerial menagerie during John Major’s administration. Whitehall rumour has it that political opponents and off-message aides were fed to the prehistoric beasts during Major’s own leadership troubles, but despite frequent reports of high-pitched screaming and the discovery of assorted limbs scattered about Horse Guards Parade, no evidence was ever found.
Seven? Careful, Alan
However, despite his self-proclaimed suitability for the top job, Whitehall officials have dismissed Rev. Pew-Yewling’s challenge as ‘largely balls’.
“He knows his pandas from his porcupines, but politically he’s a fish out of water”, said Kong Hooper, the Prime Minister’s unofficial jeans spokesman. “I’d be very surprised if this article is taken seriously”.
But Rev. Pew-Yewling’s campaign manager, Cardinal Glenda Bounder, believes that the holy man’s chances are good. “He’s got a very hands-on approach to things; he’s always got his hands on something. Whether it’s a baby penguin, or a passing choirboy, his hands will be on it. On it like a whippet. Amazing. Yes, sometimes he’s been arrested, but haven’t we all? I know I have. Christ, loads of times”.
Pepys: played for Fulham
Gordon Brown will be watching Rev. Pew-Yewling’s bid for power with keen interest, but one man who won’t, is dead diarist, social observer and semi-professional footballer, Samuel Pepys. Speaking on GMTV this morning, seventeenth- century historian, Gollings Boland said that he was convinced the famous commentator would have wanted to know what was going on. “I’m sure he’d have been really quite interested; he always enjoyed his current affairs. It’s a pity in many ways”.
(Should monkeys be given booze and fast cars? You decide, page 11)
