By Historical Expert, Professor Podman Clumwitt, Senior Lecturer in Menswear, at the University of East Feltham
A sock believed to have belonged to Jesus Christ (4BC-30AD) has been handed in to Ealing Broadway Tube Station’s Lost Property Office. Although theologians are not sure if the sock is definitely that of “the Messiah”, they can agree on one thing: it probably is. Professor Skid Barrows of Cheam Leisure Centre explained: “Everything seems to fit and I mean that literally. We talked about it and considered that at one end of the spectrum Jesus might have had very very tiny feet, like small earphones. On the other hand, he might have had massive feet, like yachts. The safest bet is to say he had medium sized feet; that way you’re closest to most eventualities. The sock handed in is just that: medium-sized”.
A Nice Man
The sock, a Slazenger classic with red quadruple style-stripe, is currently being analysed at the Cheam Leisure Centre Laboratory. Doctor Skid Barrows takes up the story: “It’s clearly of Middle Eastern origin, that’s plain. And I’d certainly place it before Claudius’ Adidas Edict of 43AD…this was a Golden Age for socks”. Jesus, whose life has been the subject of Musicals by both Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Handel, was known for being nice in his lifetime, as well as being “a bit whacky”, according to Historian Skid Barrows OBE. “He was certainly a character. Some of the things he said could be seen as a bit mad. But his heart was in the right place, and his winning the Jerusalem Under 35s Donkey Race of 30AD won him great acclaim. I suppose you could call him a loveable rogue”. The Vatican has expressed an interest in buying the sock, as well as a new satellite dish with 50 new channels, including some porn.
Ancient Sock and (inset) Jesus points out he has both ‘A’ and ‘O’ Levels.
