The Clockwork Times

By Trish Parsons

A man from Ching has developed the first all-weather ‘Owl-Ignorer’. Jiff Smithing, a stockbroker from the small village of Wee, had the idea for the device when his family visited Smeeforth Owl Sanctuary, in Clapper. “All my family were really interested in the owls, but after a while I wasn’t at all. I looked at them for a bit, but then just wanted to sit down and read the paper,” said Jiff. “Unfortunately, my children kept coming up to me, pulling at my arm and saying, ‘look Daddy, look at the owls’. I tried to explain that I’d already seen them, but they didn’t understand”.

Jiff hit upon the idea of his Owl-Ignorer soon afterwards. “We were watching television, it was ‘Wildlife on One’, and it was about owls”, recalls Jiff. “I watched it for a while, about twenty-five minutes, maybe half an hour, then decided I’d go and see if my plant was all right. But my wife called out from across the room, ‘Jiff, look at the owls. They’re swooping over a river to catch fish’. So I had to put down my watering can and go and see the owls again, even though I’d already been watching them earlier. I just really wanted to ignore them. That’s when I got the idea”.

Jiff’s Owl-Ignorer works on the basis of not being able to see or hear owls, almost as if they weren’t there. Shaped rather like a box, it attaches to the body over the head, using the shoulders as a solid platform to rest on. Fastened to the device is a long shroud made of duvet, which when wrapped securely, acts as a soundproof curtain, thus ensuring that any nearby owls cannot be seen or heard by the wearer. “It’s still in the development stage really”, says Jiff. “You certainly can’t see owls, that’s working perfectly, but it’s still possible to hear them faintly. I need
to work on a way of wrapping the visor in more duvet”.

“Great, just not all the time”

Jiff’s device has attracted the interest of several marketing companies and the Government, but has already courted controversy from the Church. Canon Yule Jeremy believes there is a danger. “The danger I believe there to be is that owls are important creatures that need to be looked at. Their image is important, particularly to the Christmas card industry. If everybody wore Mr. Smithing’s owl-ignoring device, owls would lose an important part of their income. They’d end up having to take on a variety of jobs, many of which may be unsuitable”.

But others have welcomed Jiff Smithing’s idea. Trent Berkley has been an enthusiastic owl watcher for many years, but says sometimes he’d rather not see them.

“I like owls, really enjoy looking at them”, he says. “But every so often I’d just rather not see them, when I’m having a dump for example and don’t want to be put off, so I would cautiously welcome any kind of ignoring device. Providing, of course, that it caused no distress to the owls. I wouldn’t want that”.
Jiff expects to showcase his Owl-Ignorer at the Ideal Home Exhibition in November.

The 2 million protestors this weekend hailed their demonstration a huge success, and were not deterred by the demonstration against their protest by 2 protestors. Government officials, under pressure by the unexpected turnout of people who took to the streets, appear to have caved into the demands and have been said to be taking “fast, direct and necessary action inline with the views of the people”

Demonstrators who”rocked parliaments foundations”

**STOP PRESS**
A new Anti-Demonstration Bill banning demonstrations is being presented to parliament tomorrow

By Anne Thammer

A senior NHS executive launched a damning attack on the Government today when he blasted New Labour ‘spin’.

Conundrum Yardarm, Chief Executive of the NHS’ most senior body of governors, described New Labour spin as “that blasted New Labour spin”. The blasting occurred during a relaxing weekend break with his wife, Boudica, at their Grade II listed manor house outside of Cheltenham. According to an eyewitness, Mr. Yardarm was quietly reading the Telegraph before his customary mid-morning cockfight, when something caught his attention. “I was just coming up to Mr. Yardarm with his morning coffee, when all of a sudden he threw his newspaper down and shouted ‘blast that New Labour spin’ at quite a loud volume”, recalls the Yardarm’s housekeeper, Eve Evesham, 57, from Shrewsbury. “I dropped the coffee on the floor and fled the room; it was just so awful. Fortunately, Mrs. Yardarm was hanging out the cat, so she couldn’t have heard. I’m sure it would have killed her”.

Morning coffee drinking in this
position may also be dangerous

This lamentable blasting from such a senior figure is yet another sign that New Labour’s reliance on spin and fairy-tales has not stopped, despite assurances from party officials that their Big Red Book of B@lls has been flushed down the widdle-hole.

At 08:57 the 07:43 train from Birchington-on-Sea derailed shortly before Heme Bay Station when the driver, Mr Pete Henk, remember that he had forgotten to post a letter to his grandmother, thanking her for his birthday present, a clock. When the realisation came upon him, he knew he had to take action.

“I felt the letter in my inside jacket pocket, and panicked. I took a deep breath, calmed myself and thought what I needed to do. The only option available to me was to divert the train past the post box on the corner of Bognor Drive and Fleetwood Avenue”

Mr Henk then used a secret braking and accelerating technique to launch the train off the tracks and down the embankment.

letterbox was out of reach…

“I could see the road junction in front of me and the pillar box on the corner. Unfortunately the train ground to a halt at the bottom of the embankment and the letter box was still out of reach.”

When questioned how he expected to get the train back on the tracks, Mr Henk could only reply “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead”.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, and Mrs Davis from 46 Sandown Drive kindly offered everyone a toffee apple.

By Gil Remington, Science Correspondent

The Tories, in a fresh setback that will dismay Iain Duncan Smith, have gone into space. The shock news was flashed around Westminster during the early hours of this afternoon.

The going-into-space happened just as the Commons had reconvened after their usual six-hour lunch break. According to eyewitnesses, the Tories were just taking their seats when they went into space. Julius Feelie, Liberal Democrat MP for Lingerie & Curtain Fabrics West, was one of the first on the scene. “One second they were taking their seats, the next they had gone completely into space. This hadn’t been a tabled motion; they hadn’t received permission from the Speaker. I think it must have been a terrible accident”.

Space. The final frontier.

With the threat from the Liberal Democrats at it’s most credible since 1345, the going-into-space will be regarded by many as a strategic blunder. “They should really be concentrating on their policies for the next election, not going into space”, said inflatable Labour spokesperson, Rubber Johnson. “I really can’t see what good going into space is going to do them. They’ll be up there for at least two years. When Labour last went into space, they received an absolute thrashing from the Thatcher Government when they got back. The Tories were able to say to the electorate, ‘look, Labour don’t care about you; they’re more interested in going into space

Oh b*ll*cks, I’ve sprung a leak. Blow on that would you?

With strong lunar currents predicted by Michael Fish, there is a real possibility the Tories may reach Jupiter by mid-Theresa-May, unless they manage to latch onto one of the freak off-planet drifts that are occasionally produced by strong blasts of fart from enormous galactic hamsters. But with many predicting the complete disappearance of the Conservative Party, is this going-into-space really the final curtain?“

At least we CAN go into space”, said a defiant Duncan Smith from inside his custom-built ceramic wheelbarrow. “The Lib Dems tried it in the fifties, and only got as high as tree level”

Parents of 4 month year old Susie Wilden we relieved to find their family salon car safe and sound inside their you daughter. Mrs Wilden had left Susie playing in the front garden of their house in Brighton le Sands when she heard the telephone ringing.

“I took the call for vacuum bag cleaning services, and after politely refusing the salesman, I went back outside and saw both my car and Susie had vanished!”

Mrs Wilden ran to look up and down the street.

“Firstly I thought she had gone to visit Marley in Devon Cheyne Close, but she couldn’t have travelled that far in such a short time.”

She called the Police, who arrived interfrastically.

After a detailed search of the area, baby Susie was soon found, and on closer inspection, so was the Volkswagen Passat.

Police blame digested car on “ingredients
of evil” cakes such as this.

“I was delighted to be reunited with Susie” said Mrs Wilden, “though was troubled at the amount on weight she appeared to have gained in her short absence, and the whereabouts of the car” Baby Susie weighed in at 1.3 tonnes, and this lead police to the conclusion that she had swallowed the car.

The kidnapers have not yet been found, Police are still waiting to examine Susie’s Stool sample.

By Our Chief Political Editor, Royston McCoy, at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth

Labour have experienced their most embarrassing split yet, coming only mid-way through their annual party conference. The split occurred during a brief questions and answers session, hosted by Cheddar Thwat (MP, Little Winkle & Sniff), and is reported to be the most divisive split yet recorded in the history of the Labour movement. (This outweighs even the split that occurred during the Atlee administration, when seven badgers were delivered to a party of eight).

According to eyewitnesses, Mr. Thwat had just fielded a question from a delegate present at the conference, when the split appeared. “One minute, Mr. Thwat was fielding a question from a delegate present at the conference, the next, a split appeared”, said a visibly shaken party member. Another quickly agreed. “Mr Thwat had just fielded a question from a delegate present at the conference, and the next thing we knew, this split appeared. Just appeared like that”. The split, reported by many as being huge, appeared so suddenly that many party members were knocked off their chairs. Mike Judge, MP for Bognor & Inverness Broadway, had the misfortune to be sitting at the front of the auditorium, just to the right of the stage. “I was just getting to my feet to ask a question of Mr. Thwat, when this enormous split came flying out of nowhere and smacked me hard in the lower bowels. I was catapulted into the air and wound up on a balcony overlooking the seafront. Apart from the throbbing pain, it was a nice view, so I sat there for a while with some fish & chips”.

Maksim Alyoshin is sitting here in a classic pose from
male floor exercise, in perfect split with perfect toe point.

The split comes just at the wrong time for Tony Blair, who had hoped to avoid any splits during what is certainly his most turbulent time as Prime Minister. “We came down from London in a small Fiat instead of the usual limo, in the hope that any split on the prowl wouldn’t notice”, said presidential minder, Bob Woof. “But we failed to take into account that your average split has a very keen eye for car deception. I think it must have strapped itself to the roof rack”. His colleague, Such Lambways, agreed. “It was either a roof rack split, or perhaps a direction-asking split. Although in my view, it could easily have been a train-booking, taxi-riding-from-the-station split, with luggage and a pre-booked ticket”. Several security personnel attempted, through the use of force and bible reading, to contain the split, which by this time had devoured sixteen gold-painted foldaway chairs, and a small pie.

However, it was only as the Prime Minister himself took to the stage, that the split began to show its true colours.

“The split began to show its true colours just as the Prime Minister appeared on the stage”, said the PM’s divinely delectable assistant, Caroline Buttermee-Strictly. “I knew it was going to go for him; he was wearing a very smart suit, which must be a red rag to a bull for a split intent on mischief. Poor Mr. Blair was a sitting target. I have a room upstairs by the way if you’re interested?”

The split bounced around the PM with deliberate cunning, before messing up his hair. But before it could do any worse, it was contained by Police Chief Constable Alan Wrong. “I managed to subdue the split through means of shouting and a large sack. I shouted at the split in high falsetto, until it backed into the sack and was tied up by my deputy. It is now being held at Bournemouth Police Station until such time as it promises to go home. I have a room upstairs by the way if you’re interested?”

The Prime Minister was able, after extensive hair-ministry, to continue with his speech, which mentioned the NHS, Iraq and some other things. But with the state of Labour’s trousers now, the next session of Parliament promises to be one of his most
challenging yet.

Badgers should not be given to under-fives.