Police are today increasing their efforts to save straw man, Vincent Galapagos, from the worst heat wave to strike Britain in more than two thousand years. Mr. Galapagos, a diving instructor from Petersfield, is being constantly doused with a special mixture of water and Fairy Liquid in an attempt to stop him becoming a flaming inferno. Chief Constable Wink Manillo spoke to us.
“Obviously, this is a very difficult time for Mr. Galapagos. The heat particularly affects people who are made of straw, or indeed any other flammable material. We are working with the local fire-service to ensure that he does not become a human torch. Although if he does, rest assured we will have a barbeque”.
Vincent Galapagos:“I’m trying to carry on as usual”
SWANS
Britain is currently experiencing the severest temperatures since the fall of the Roman Empire. Scientists predict that, if it gets any worse, the world will become so hot only ants could survive. Professor Max Wiltshire, Senior Researcher of Heat at the University of East Feltham, believes that what we are witnessing is very possibly the end of the world. “I don’t think it is any sort of exaggeration to say that, whilst it may not happen, it could so easily possibly happen. Yes. Definitely. The potential is almost certainly there. I wouldn’t like to comment, but if I had to, I would say to people: get out. Leave. Run away from the heat; go by bicycle if you have to. Just get going. Wine gum?”
BOLTON WANDERERS NIL, DURHAM THREE
But not everybody is concerned by Professor Wiltshire’s theories. Bob Dundee has been selling ice cream from his van for the past twenty-five years. “Well, I’ve never had business like it”, he said. “People are guzzling cornets like you wouldn’t believe. I’m selling out by half ten at the moment. Even dogs are queuing up to get some. I can overcharge them because they don’t understand money”.
His friend, Barry Smart, is also doing a roaring trade. “When I first started selling water-filled mice, no one wanted them. Now this heat wave’s come along, people can’t get enough of them. I don’t know why, but I’m forcing water into mice as quickly as customers can buy them. I don’t know what they do with them, but that’s up to them. It’s disgusting really”.
HANG ON BETTY; I’VE GOT IT CAUGHT
Back in Petersfield, the battle for Mr. Galapagos continues. “We had a nasty scare earlier, when Vincent fell into an open pottery kiln that some wally had left lying about in his workshop”, recounts Chief Constable Manilla. Apart from that, and the blowtorch fiasco, I think we’re winning”.
But if this searing tidal wave of pent-up hellfire continues to escalate, will there be real casualties?
“It’s hard to say”, says Professor Wiltshire from his sky-dome above Malmesbury. “But if I was pushed to answer, I’d say yes. Definitely. No question. Fruit pastille?”
If you’d like to help Mr. Galapagos, and others like him, please send a donation to the Spoon’s Help Vincent Galapagos & Others Like Him Appeal, The Spoon, 7 Ladle Buildings, EC1.
Alternatively, simply post your credit card details to Gil Remington, and he’ll be happy to see that your hard-earned cash gets to where it’s needed.
(Please note: All donations are made at cardholder’s own risk. Someone stole my Thundercats mug last week, and I think it was Gil Remington. Ed.)
