It was revealed today that Downing Street Spokesman Alastair Campbell’s infamous Shoeshine Boy, Roy Dubbles, has been made the 115th Pope in a secret ceremony in Prestwick.
The shock announcement came hours after Dubbles, 56, had made his intention to leave Campbell’s employ clear in a circular email to his mates. The Vatican is not sure how seriously to take the claims, but has sent its Christ-in-a-crisis envoy Luigi “Brown Skids” Veccotti to London to “have a shout at the man”.
IT’S LOADED
Roy Dubbles, who famously shined the PM’s Chief of Communication nude during a visit by the Vice- President of Sweden, was not available for comment today, but his former employer Campbell today held a Press Conference, citing “extreme boredom” as a major cause. Having answered a barrage of questions on various General Knowledge subjects, he concluded by appealing to the public for “Trust. Trust plain and simple. You must must must trust the Prime Minister and I on this. If you cannot trust Mr. Blair and I, who are you going to trust, eh? Eh?”.
That shut them up for a while, but then Campbell was assailed with a new volley of questions, such as “Where’s my wallet? (Tipping Marper, The Times), “Have you seen my wallet?” (Brenda Brenda, The Spectator) and “Do you know where my wallet is?” (Ian Pleurisy, The Mirror). The PM’s press man shrugged these off, quickly leaving the room and shouting, “Have you checked your back pockets?” Truro is not in Perthshir
