London on Alert as Lion is Posted

 

Lion and (inset) Jiffy Bag

 

London was today put under a high level of alert, as a lion from London Zoo was mistakenly posted to an unspecified address.

The lion, a six-year old male called King Charles II, was posted on May 19 and could arrive “literally anywhere” a zoo spokesman confirmed today.

“We know that on or around four pm on Thursday 19 May, a male lion named King Charles II, was mistakenly packed and posted to a London address in place of a promotional set of DVDs featuring puffins. We think that the address is somewhere in the SW9 area, but cannot be sure”.

Lions have always been an important part of London’s history. For many centuries they formed part of the Royal Menagerie at the Tower, along with bears, tigers and shellfish. Behind bars lions are completely safe, but in the enclosed confines of a suburban hallway they could cause carnage.

Self-professed lion-expert and author of ‘Lions, Lions, Lions’, Bob Tiger, advises caution.

“King Charles II will have been in the post for two, maybe three days by the time he is delivered. Obviously he will have become bad-tempered by this stage, and a bad-tempered lion is not something you want to unwrap by mistake. I would advise extreme caution to anyone who receives a fairly large jiffy-bag in the post in the next day or so. Employ what I like to  call the ‘Bob Tiger Three-Rule Rule’. Rule One: Have a good look; is this a fairly large jiffy bag? If yes, think about Rule 2: ‘is it growling?” If the answers to both 1 and 2 are yes, chances are you’ve got a lion. I can’t remember what Rule 3 was. Something about running. Probably wasn’t important”.

Anyone who thinks they might have a lion in the post should call Radio Five Live at once, as it’s the kind of thing commuters like to laugh at.

 

Chris Huhne Replaced by Owl

Liberal Democrat Cabinet Minister, Chris Huhne, was today dramatically replaced by an owl.

Embattled Energy Secretary Mr Huhne had no comment to make as he left Downing Street this afternoon after his sacking, following allegations he had mislead police over a driving offence. His replacement, the owl, will take up its new position on Monday.

It was a surprise promotion for the owl, who had not been expecting to be raised to Cabinet rank or work with humans. A spokesman for the Prime Minister defended the decision, saying that the owl had excellent, though unspecified, skills.

“Its a fantastic appointment,” confirmed a Downing Street source. “The owl can not only see things with its eyes, but it can also hear with its ears.  And it can move, which is a fundamental quality in any Cabinet Minister. Also, if you drag out the ‘uuuhn’ bit of  ’Huhne’, is sounds a bit like the kind of noise an owl would make, so really its perfect”.

But Labour immediately ridiculed the move. Said Shadow Menagerie Spokesman, Brian Ghosts: “This is yet another example of a Prime Minister not in touch with the needs of the country. He’s appointed an owl to a senior Government position when everyone knows we needed a greyhound. I for one don’t think it’s a hoot” .

The owl was unavailable for comment.

 

QUICK NEWS!!! Trees are Safe, say Coalition

By our Chief Political Correspondent, Royston McCoy…

In the most extraordinary u-turn performed by a Government Minister since Geoffrey Howe’s roller-blading mishap during a visit to Horsham in 1972, the planned privitisation of trees will now NOT go ahead.

Said a spokesbush for Caroline Spelman, Minister in Charge of Trees, Leaves, Greenery, Borders & Really Thoughtfully-Designed Roundabouts, the proposal to privitise everybody’s gardens would be scrapped with immediate effect.

“Mrs Rhododendron has realised that this was, in fact, a stupid idea, and personally threw it on the bonfire herself. Personally. Herself. We as a Government have listened to the British People and have taken note of their green-fingered rage. We assumed nobody gave a shit about who sat in the ticket booth outside the Forest of Dean, but clearly we were bloody wrong. David Cameron will be thrashing himself with an oak tree in the middle of Parliament Square at five o’ clock this evening, if anyone wants tickets”.

Labour Beauty Spot Spokesman, Frances Lovely, welcomed the move. “It is of course humiliating that the Government have been forced to make such a massive u-turn, and obviously that’s the real tragedy here which no-one should forget, ever, but we welcome the decision to save The Peoples’ Forests. Like Robin Hood, the People have sprung out of the greenwood like eight-billion spandex-clad nymphs and pulled out all of the Sherrif of Nottingham’s hair, by which we mean Caroline Spelman, and by thunder they’ve pissed in her handbag and hoisted her knickers up the flagpole, oh, and another thing…”

Mr Lovely went on for a further ten minutes, but nobody knew what he meant.

 

BAFTA awards not awarded to everyone

Some people left the BAFTA Awards last night without winning any BAFTA awards, reports CT Entertainment Correspondent, Amy Shoes.

The evening began with some people winning BAFTA awards and continued with some people winning BAFTA awards, but as the night wore on, it slowly became clear that some people were not going to win BAFTA awards. As each category came and went, with some people winning BAFTA awards and other people not winning BAFTA awards, rumours began to circulate that whilst some people were going to win BAFTA awards, some people were not.

Set Designer Pete Knees won a BAFTA Award for his set designing, but in a shock result Set Designer Dick Dad did not win a BAFTA Award for his set designing. Similarly, Choreographer Lisa Peace did not win a BAFTA Award for her Choreographing, even though Choreographer Lesley Jesus won a BAFTA Award for her Choreography.

Later on an Actor tipped to win a BAFTA Award won a BAFTA Award. Ṧtévén Mičé won his BAFTA Award for acting the part of someone in the film, ‘A Man’s Place’, but another actor did not win a BAFTA Award for acting as someone in the film, ‘Hilary’s Year’, and nor did a separate actor who also acted as a person in the film, ‘Following Michael’. In a similar result, an actor did not win a BAFTA Award for her role as a person in the film, ‘Midnight Feet’, but another actor went on to win a BAFTA award for his role playing a different person to himself in the film, ‘Becoming Mrs Parsons’.

Colin Firth did not win a prize.

Those BAFTA results almost in full:

Best Film…………………………. A Man’s Place

Best Actor in a Film…………… Ṧtévén Mičé (A Man’s Place)

 Best Other Actor in a Film…… Diane Soup-Marsupial (Adam’s Holiday)

 Best Supporting Actor in a Film…. Jason Landlord (Janet’s Holiday)

Best Short Film…………………………Beating up Grandad

Best Animated Film…………………..Sh1T – Donkeys!

 

The Big Interview

Actor Jeremy Irons talks career, diplomacy & Clangers, and reveals his favourite bus route to Amy Shoes…

Jeremy Irons is late, so I take a corner table in one of Piccadilly’s newest restaurants, The Liza Minnelli Experience, and go through my questions carefully. He detests being asked about his alleged resemblance to Richard II (he once punched Michael Aspel through a Burger King window), so I quickly discard that one. I also decide to lose the one about co-hosting Springwatch with Bill Oddie; I don’t want any flashbacks to the eagle owl incident, not in a crowded restaurant. And of course people are eating…

Irons, when he arrives, is effusive in his apologies. I ask if the bus was late, and he laughs. “No, I knocked over a display in the Disney Store. I had a burger at the time, and got some mayonnaise on a Buzz Lightyear, so obviously I had to offer to clean him up. It came off pretty easily actually, just a few wipes and it was gone. But then I fell on a child”. Is he normally clumsy? “No, not usually. Though having said that,  I did recently drop a Nintendo Wii on Juliette Binoche”.

Jeremy Irons has been one of Britain’s most bankable stars since his big break  back in 1955. At the time he was working on and off for the United Nations, where his duties included ordering stationary, watering the Aspidistras, and filling in for Secretary General Dag Hammarskjöld whenever he’d been on one of his legendary Schnapps benders. “Yes, it taught me a lot about acting, and a lot about making policy on behalf of the Western world. In fact, I almost made a ‘Korea’ out of it”. He laughs and I enjoy the joke, but after a moment or two he  becomes suddenly serious. “You know Vietnam was my fault?” he says, his distinctive rasping tone  wracked with what sounds like guilt. “I was reading for a part in the Clangers and I took my eye off the ball”. There’s a pause, and then he brightens. “Still, f**k it”.

Back to the topic. We’re here to talk public transport, and I venture to ask about his favourite way of getting around London. “The 159″, he answers smoothly, without a trace of a hesitation. “The 159 is one of the best bus routes in London, if not the world. Do you know you can get from Brixton all the way to Edgeware Road on that b*tch? It’s a mind-f**k”. There’s the 3, I say. That takes you pretty much the same way. Irons rolls his eyes contemptuously. “Sure, if you want to look like a bell-end, take the 3. It’s for old women and chimps”. He shakes his head at my suggestion. “You might as well get in a wheelie bin and ask Aled Jones to give you a push”. So it’s not ’cool’ then? He doesn’t even answer this time, preferring to spit a chunk of asparagus at a passing guide dog. It’s not cool then.

Over coffee we talk about the films he’s made since leaving the UN. I particularly want to ask him about his remake of The Man in the Iron Mask, recently voted by the Academy Best Film of All Time. “We had no idea we were making such a hit”, he recalls. “It was just another job; it was only afterwards I realised just how my portrayal of Aramis changed everybody’s lives. Before that, you could go down the Old Kent Road and get a chicken burger from any shop you passed; now you try it, people are all dressed in seventeenth-century wigs and shouting about Popery”. He shakes his head in amazement. “You can’t get anything now; not even a bag of chicken dippers. It’s all mead and porridge. And everything’s in groats! We did that. But was it right?”

Its time to go, and Irons insists on paying the bill. “No, I wouldn’t hear of it”, he maintains, as I ask him about the decline of the crab population in the Orkney Islands. I suppose that’s fair enough, not many people would have heard of it. But with Irons’ huge intellect and ravenous capacity for learning, you’d think if anyone would, it would be him. I ask about the rumours he bought the British Library just so he had something to read on a flight to Jersey. “No, no that was such tabloid nonsense”. But are the tabloids always wrong? I hold my breath and go for it: did he eat that puffin? “The puffin…yes, that was true. I’m totally ashamed of that, but I was with Terry Nutkins and he dared me…look, I was stupid. Its something I regret”. And what about Bill Oddie and the eagle owl? Irons is blank a moment, then grins wickedly. “That was f**king delicious”.

Tickets for the 159 can be purchased from the box office; quote the Clockwork Times to get your free copy of ‘Memorable Bus Routes Compiled by the Cast of Die Hard’

 

 

News: Descartes behind Monkey Kidnap

By The CT’s Resident Psychoanalyst, Dr. Sherwood Knocker

Pebbles the chimpanzee was last night relaxing with friends after being returned safe and well to Potherington Civic Zoo. The 3 year old self-confessed “pleasure seeker” had been missing for a fortnight when Police received an anonymous tip-off that kids’ entertainer and pop-philosopher Descartes (pictured) had taken Pebbles from his “Monkey Palace” home when it was dark. Descartes was tracked to a hideout in Leamington Spa, where he handed the ape over without resistance. “I’m glad he’s back safe”, said Detective Inspector Peter Jam, “there’s always the risk with chimps that they will be mutilated and sold to Heinz as cheap labour”.

Cold Comfort

Descartes, who has encountered difficulty with his latest “Dualism and Bouncy Castle” tour, spent last night behind bars: the Orange Sunset Bar, Brighton, the Café Go-Go Restaurant and Private Members’ Club, Cirencester, and the Rudolph Hess Lounge, Worthing. All three establishments told him to get out and, in some cases, stay out. Meanwhile, Pebbles has been told by doctors he should not read the Daily Mail until December.

Descartes in the Early Days & (inset) Pebbles.

How Descartes Beat the System:

1. 21:35: Descartes enters the Zoo claiming he is a passing Frog Trader. A silly Zoo Guard lets him in.
2. 21:42: Descartes creeps behind the Zoo Offices using a sapling as camouflage. He needn’t have bothered: the staff are made of paper.
3. 21:45: Descartes enters the deserted Nocturnal Gallery. Fearing the “Spooky Noises” section he soon retreats.
4. 21:59: Attracted by the “South American Gateway”, Descartes makes his way Southwards. But the exhibit is closed.
5. 22:05: Pebbles is kidnapped from the Sea Lions Enclosure, where he is playing dominos. Descartes escapes with the chimp on a nearby heron.

 

News: Animal confusion at City Farm

By nature lover and nudist, Anne Phlange

Trevor Cleftbrook was at the centre of a confusing moment at “Touch our Animals City Farm” in Wandsworth last week.

The commotion began as Trevor approached the donkey enclosure. “I was taking a look round the farm during my lunch hour and spotted the donkeys, which looked quite bored. I wanted to point them out to my colleague who was also there with me, but mistakenly refereed to them as sheep – suddenly chaos ensued!”

easily confused.

Graham Ardman, owner of “Touch our Animals City Farm” said he was appalled. “If a grown man can’t even remember the name of a common farm yard animal, no wonder the country is going down the pan and more and more prone to an meteor attack every day” he said, gazing into the sky.

“Touch our Animals City Farm” closed for the afternoon but has now reopened for more friendly animal petting. Nothing lewd mind.